just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I wish my penis had an off switch
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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