I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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