He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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