I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
