my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
