I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
