Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
