Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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