I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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