Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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