I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
