I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
