i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
