How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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