The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
