shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
