in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
why is half of my head shaved?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
