Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
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Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.