I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
