Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This girl is more easily done than said...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
