Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
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how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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