I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
