I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
