I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You are the jesus of drinking
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
