does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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