You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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