You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
