P.S. I can't hear my feet
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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