Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
