Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
