I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
