i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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