I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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