Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
