just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
