Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
