Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
