Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
