Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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