Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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