"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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