I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
