I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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