So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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