I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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