We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
