I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
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Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
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I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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