He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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