did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
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