Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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