the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
