so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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