I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
