I look better un-naked...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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